Class Assignment

How to read a newspaper


Good morning. I am Lt. Jones and it is my good pleasure today to instruct you on how to read a newspaper.
For the sake of our discussion today we will confine our attention to the paper version of a daily newspaper rather than the contemporary variety found through the wireless domain.

I. Preparation

Purchase – you can’t read what you don’t have so you must prepare yourself with the initial purchase of the daily paper.
You can acquire one at any local convenient mart, waffle house, and my favorite, the Krispy Kreme Doughnut Shop.
The cost of your paper will depend on the selection process. Do you want local, state, national, or world news. Most newspapers with a large circulation will provide sufficient reading material for your enjoyment.

Location – the next item in your preparation is most important. When it comes to reading the newspaper remember “location, location, location.” The best place I have found is in the restroom. Preferably not at some convenient mart but at home or work.
The restroom can be a great asset especially if you are able to multi-task. A word of caution here. Depending on how well you multi-task, a quick check to see if the fan works is advisable. If for some reason the fan doesn’t work you can run some cold water in the sink.

II. Prioritize

The biggest obstacle to reading the newspaper is time. Therefore I would encourage you to prioritize. For instance, when I read the newspaper, I find the content section and make a mental note of three pages. The first page is the obituary page. I always check to see if my name is listed. Second is the Top Stories. I want the most recent events handy. These are usually on the front page and easy to get to. The third page is the sports page. Even there I am selective.

Prioritize your reading of the newspaper cause you don’t have a lot of time. Someone could come knocking at the door at any moment!

III. Pause

Before moving on to any other section I want to pause for a few minutes and reflect on what I’ve read. It needs to sink in so I can share with accuracy what I have read.

Course you know you’re not done until the paperwork is completed so be sure to fold up your newspaper for easy carry and for use as a red-neck fly swat.


About Hoss

Married w/ 1 daughter & 3 step-children . Ordained minister. I do supply preaching every opportunity I get. Currently employed in a state prison system. Wife & I own a flower shop in a nearby city. I am approaching my late 50's, although I certainly don't look like it.
This entry was posted in Happiness, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Class Assignment

  1. kandy says:

    Hoss, you’ve sunk to a new low!

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